Equestrian E-Sport: Everything you need to know about this new trending phenomenon

Gone are the days of expensive training, unpredictable animals, and, worst of all, real physical effort. Instead, elite equestrians will now showcase their skills in a video game arena, proving once and for all that years of riding experience mean absolutely nothing when faced with a PlayStation controller.

“This levels the playing field,” said one delighted federation spokesperson. “Now, talent isn’t measured by horsemanship, but by thumb speed and internet connection.”

The sport will feature real-world professionals going head-to-head against basement-dwelling teenagers who have never touched a horse but can execute a perfect piaffe with three button presses. Betting agencies are already struggling to determine whether a Grand Prix rider or a 14-year-old with 10,000 hours in ‘Horse Simulator 2024’ will come out on top.

Critics have raised concerns about authenticity, but officials assure the public that realism is key. “We’re incorporating all the elements of equestrian life,” said the game’s lead developer. “Lagging response times simulate a horse ignoring your aids, server crashes mimic unexpected refusals, and of course, the microtransactions reflect the actual financial burden of horse ownership.”

Meanwhile, traditional equestrians are left wondering: if the future of the sport is digital, what will happen to real horses? No official statement has been made, but rumors suggest they will be lovingly retired…