🇨🇳 Exclusive: The Global Equestrian Federation (GEF) Relocates Headquarters to China

GEF Announces Move to China After Europe Becomes “Too Emotional About Horses”

Written by : The Carrot Post International Desk, whilst crying quietly into a double gin and tonic.

LAUSANNE — In a press conference that began with a PowerPoint titled “Stop Asking Questions,” the Global Equestrian Federation (GEF) announced it will be relocating its headquarters from Lausanne to Beijing, effective immediately.

Why?  Because according to GEF President Alejandro “Alex” Ferreira, Europe has become “far too hysterical about horse welfare.”

“Every rule change turns into a debate,” Ferreira sighed, adjusting his lapel pin shaped like a golden snaffle. “Europeans keep demanding things like ’transparency’ and ‘evidence of welfare standards.’ We simply cannot work under these conditions.”

He then clarified that the sport must be protected from “online activists, researchers, veterinarians with microscopes, and other dangerous individuals.” and "The problem is not us. The enemies from outside our champagne bubble are discrediting our sport, hindering our ability to create revenue streams and threatening our Olympic Sport status."

The New Headquarters: A “Harmony Zone”

GEF has selected Beijing for its new central base, praising China for its “calm, orderly, and pleasantly editorial environment.”

A GEF spokesperson explained:

• No investigative media means no welfare scandals (if no one photographs it, it didn’t happen — the PR dream).

• No prolonged ethical debates about whether a horse’s tongue should be blue, mauve, or generally oxygenated.

• Rule changes can finally be implemented “without people asking why.”

“We are restoring the natural balance,” Ferreira continued.  “Riders ride. Officials officiate.

Spectators clap. Horses… perform.  Sponsors keep sponsoring”

When asked whether the horses were consulted, the spokesperson nodded solemnly and said the horses were “deeply aligned with the strategic direction,” before adding that no horses were present at the meeting.

Reaction From Welfare Advocates

Dr Leila Al-Farsi, Head of the World Equestrian Welfare Organisation (WEWO), was seen gripping her cup of herbal tea so tightly it resembled a cube.

“Ah yes,” she said, smiling with the calm intensity of someone calculating windspeed to determine if a punch will land clean, “When ethics inconvenience power, relocate the ethics.”

She later added:

“If your sport collapses the moment someone asks ‘Is the horse okay?’ the horse is probably not okay.”

Meanwhile, the Athletes…

Showjumper Max van Dijk issued a statement through his agent:

“Please stop calling me. I do not want to be involved in this article.”

He is believed to be stress-eating a brioche in Rotterdam.

Social media influencer Luna Skye posted an Instagram Story saying:

“China?? Omg I’ve always wanted to film sunrise meditations over The Forbidden City with my mare!! #alignment #equestrianvibes #sponsoredpls”

Her mare was unavailable for comment, because she was busy trying to bite a butterfly.

Final Carrot Thought

If your strategy for protecting the reputation of horse sport is:

1. Stop the public from seeing the horses

2. Stop the public from asking about the horses

3. Move to a location where no one can question you about the horses
   

Then your problem is not Europe. Your problem is the mirror. And the horse in the background, making eye contact.