Global Equestrian Federation Abolishes Horse Welfare – "Rider Welfare is Simply More Pragmatic"

LAUSANNE. A bombshell in the executive suites of equestrian sports. After years of grueling debates over rollkur, doping, equipment, blue tongues, and the never-ending arguments over nosebands, the Global Equestrian Federation (GEF) has drawn the line. In a surprising U-turn, the federation has officially declared the topic of "horse welfare" to be over. From now on, the world federation’s focus is 100% on "rider welfare."

The reason for the radical shift is as simple as it is disarming: Horses simply cannot talk. Horse welfare is too exhausting. Horse welfare is too complicated.

"Horses are totally uncooperative communicators"

"We have invested millions in studies to find out what horses really want," explained GEF President Dr. h.c. Justus P. Saddleback, visibly relieved, at a press conference.

"The result was frustrating. Some say the horse is stressed, others say it’s just chewing contentedly. Horses simply don't fill out questionnaires. They are totally uncooperative communicators. Plus, those scientists who are obviously 'pro-horse' are a nuisance. With rider welfare, it’s different: If the tournament isn't organized properly or the Prosecco in the VIP tent is served warm, we receive a written complaint immediately. That is much cleaner to track from a bureaucratic standpoint."

Furthermore, he added, human anatomy is positively straightforward compared to horses and, thanks to modern research, much better understood.

"Humans don't have hooves that need to be X-rayed, and they rarely weigh half a ton. That saves the federation enormous costs and spares our PR department a lot of nerves," said Saddleback.

The New Rulebook: Champagne, Physio, and "Mental Health"

The newly formed "GEF Rider Welfare Committee" has already presented a comprehensive catalog of measures designed to ensure the well-being of the two-legged athlete. The most important new guidelines at a glance:

• The 20-Minute Wellness Rule: No rider may stay in the saddle for longer than 20 minutes at a time without ground staff providing an isotonic cold drink (either Champagne, Aperol Spritz, or Hugo).

• Mandatory Saddle Padding: To protect the human body, saddles for advanced-level classes must feature an additional minimum of 5 centimeters of memory foam.

• Climate Zones for Warm-up Arenas: Because riders suffer in extreme heat or rain, warm-up arenas must be fully air-conditioned or, optionally, equipped with underfloor heating. Fans are prohibited for the horses, as the humming sound could disturb the riders' concentration phase.

• Weight Classes: Weight classes for riders - like in boxing - are being introduced so that everyone competes against their weight class.

  
  

What about the horses?

Critics have already expressed fears that the horse might fall by the wayside in this new system. However, the GEF provides reassurance. The horse has not been forgotten; it has merely been re-categorized: as a piece of sports equipment with therapeutic and monetary value for humans.

"If the rider is doing well physically and financially, that is reflected psychologically on the horse - or maybe it isn't, but quite frankly, we don't care anymore," said an anonymous federation official.

"Previously, we had to disqualify riders because a horse had a scratch somewhere. That just created bad vibes. Now, we disqualify the judge if they don't score the rider nicely enough. That is true harmony!"

Outlook: The "Lucky Loser" Guarantee

For the future, the GEF is already planning the next major step in the interest of rider welfare. To prevent traumatic experiences caused by poor placements, the grading system is to be reformed. Scores below 7.0 will be banned for the sake of the riders' mental health. Anyone who knocks down three obstacles in the course will receive an "empathy bonus point" for bravely enduring failure.

Horse welfare may be history, but one thing is certain: Equestrian sport has never been this relaxed. At least for those in the saddle.