Leaked: “Equestrian Mums Wine Club” Group Chat Is Pure Chaos in a Saddlebag

Transcribed by Tilly Stirrup, who only joined to see the drama and stayed for the prosecco hacks

Somewhere between school pickup and forgetting to defrost the pony’s linseed, a secret cabal of horsey mums meets in the virtual shadows. They call it the “Equestrian Mums Wine Club” — but don’t be fooled. It’s less about wine, and more about strategic emotional support, tactical gossip deployment, and the occasional pitchfork uprising against Pony Club scoring decisions.

Group Members Include:

• Debbie Masters (Chairwoman, wine boxed not bottled)

• Sandra-from-the-yard (Posts blurry memes at 3am)

• Three passive-aggressive dressage mums

• One dad who doesn’t speak, but reacts with a thumbs up when summoned to reverse the trailer

• And Karen, who “doesn’t drink” but somehow knows where everyone buys their prosecco

  
  

Last night’s chat highlights:

Debbie: “Sophie was robbed. 68%? What was that judge watching, the weather?”Karen: “Maybe if she didn’t plait with pipe cleaners again?”

Sandra: [sends a TikTok of a cat in a saddle]

Debbie: “Sandra, that was supposed to go in Cat Chat. AGAIN.”

Pinned Message:

"What happens at the lorry park, stays in the lorry park (except on Facebook)."

Live Poll: “Best wine for coping with a 5am arena walk”

• Sauvignon Blanc: 23%

• Gin in a thermos: 52%

• “Just scream into a hay-net”: 25%

  
  

Most Active Thread:

“Reasons Why Little Tabitha Definitely Deserved Champion Today”

• Because she rode with a broken nail

• Because the judge looked distracted

• Because that other child’s pony is definitely drugged

• Because Tabitha’s browband cost £90 and has crystals blessed by a Tibetan monk.

  
  

Weekly Gripe Schedule:

• Monday: “Why is feed so expensive?”

• Tuesday: “Why is my child being overlooked?”

• Wednesday: “Why is Sandra still allowed near scissors and tails?”

• Thursday: “Why can’t we vote off other mums?”

• Friday: “Wine Club Zoom: Mandatory attendance, sparkles optional”

  
  

Final Words

The Equestrian Mums Wine Club isn’t just a group chat. It’s a way of life. A place to celebrate, commiserate, and occasionally launch a full-scale inquisition against the judge who dared to give your child an 8 instead of a 9 for their centre line.

God help you if you schedule a show during harvest, or worse… during nativity season.