Luxury Brand Launches €5,000 Designer Hobby Horse

In a move no one asked for and yet everyone sort of expected, French luxury powerhouse Chèvre & Stick has unveiled its latest equestrian “must-have”: a €5,000 designer hobby horse named Le Galop.

Crafted from vegan alpaca and yak cashmere blend (hand-combed from ethically-minded yaks somewhere far away), the limited-edition stick horse comes with a monogrammed vegan leather halter, a tiny gold nameplate reading, and a custom QR code that links to its imaginary pedigree.

“We saw a gap in the market for affluent children whose ponies were simply too real and who wanted to pay more than just 100 or 200 Euro for their Hobby Horses,” said brand ambassador Clovis du Snobé, stroking the horse’s mane of ethically-sourced mermaid hair. “This is the future of equestrian sport.”

Le Galop is offered in five shades, including Château Dust, Overpriced Oatmeal, and the fan-favorite Design Creme. Each comes in a hand-stitched bag lined with motivational quotes like “Dressage is a mindset” and “It’s not a stick, it’s a lifestyle.”

Parents have already begun queuing outside boutique stores in Paris, Berlin, and select airports with far too many designer shops.

“I’m just relieved we found something more exclusive,” said one mother, adjusting her vintage Louis Vuitton jodhpurs. “Real horses and ponies are just so... budget.”

Sources suggest Le Galop will be followed by a €900 grooming kit (contains a single Swarovski-studded mini brush and a 14k golden hoof pick) and a €12,500 gold-plated jump pole set for “indoor aesthetic purposes only.”

Its clear that those hobby horses only eat real diamonds.