The Rise of the Keyboard Cavalry

By The Carrot Post Investigations Bureau (and a very tired intern)

Once upon a time, horse sport was about horses. Now it’s about hashtags, fury, and anonymous accounts with names like @H0rseJusticeWarrior98.

Welcome to 2025, where no one rides anymore, they just sit in darkened bedrooms typing “ANIMAL ABUSE!!” under a 12-year-old’s Pony Club cross-pole round. Gone are the days when armchair critics just shouted at the telly—today, they’re galloping into our comment sections like they’ve got a personal vendetta against the invention of the saddle.

Social licence, for the uninitiated, is not a new Netflix drama about emotionally repressed dressage riders. It’s the concept that if the public doesn’t like what you're doing with animals, your sport might get quietly yeeted into oblivion. And guess what? The haters are weaponising it like it's a double bridle with an overly tight curb chain.

“You people are cruel!” they type, in between posts about their vegan Labradoodle’s crystal chakra alignment.

And look, we get it. There are issues in horse sport—bad riding, welfare scandals, a few too many “accidental” noseband tightening incidents. But the keyboard cavalry aren’t interested in nuance. They don’t want reform. They want obliteration.

“We’re not saying ban horse sport,” said one particularly active hater, “we’re saying humans should stop riding horses entirely and live in yurts.” (They later clarified that they’d never met a horse but once watched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron and cried.)

This constant barrage has left equestrians clinging to their saddles and sanity. Show organisers are now investing more in social media damage control teams than in show jumping fences. Some elite riders have hired actual crisis PR consultants because God forbid a warm-up video gets misinterpreted by @PonyFreedomSquad2025.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, horses are mostly living the high life—massages, ice boots, gourmet chaff blends, and a better dental plan than most freelancers.

The irony? Many of the loudest voices have never picked out a hoof, let alone tried to get a sweaty, hormonal gelding past a scary flower pot. But don’t worry, they’ve all “done their research” (i.e., they saw a single YouTube video about horse sport and now consider themselves equine experts).

So where does that leave horse sport? Teetering. Wobbling. Possibly one ill-timed whip flick from cancellation.

Up next in this series: we hand the reins to the riders themselves (yes, including a few familiar Carrot characters) to hear what they have to say about this bizarre new reality.

Stay tuned for Part Two: “We Actually Love Our Horses, You Weirdos”.