“We Actually Love Our Horses, You Weirdos”: Riders Clap Back at the Cancel Crew

By The Carrot Post Defence League (and Bruce Callaghan's rolled-up newspaper)

After years of sitting politely while online mobs accuse them of daily horse-murder, the equestrians are finally speaking up—and not just through teeth gritted behind their nosebands.

“Frankly, I’ve had enough,” announced dressage queen Helga Müller, pausing mid-half-pass to deliver a statement to The Carrot Post. “If I wanted to abuse something, I’d take up hedge trimming, not spend 20 years perfecting the art of sitting still on a highly opinionated 700kg animal who thinks flowerpots are death traps.”

Helga’s sentiment is echoed across the sport, from Grand Prix arenas to muddy schooling paddocks where dreams are fuelled by caffeine, vet bills, and love. Yes, love—though the online warriors don’t seem to believe that any human-horse bond exists unless it involves a bareback ride through a meadow at sunset.

Dr. Leila Al-Farsi, welfare watchdog and proud thorn in many sides, chimed in too: “Abuse exists, yes. And when it does, I’ll be the first to raise hell. But conflating partnership with cruelty is lazy. Most of these riders know their horses better than they know their own parents.”

Meanwhile, a Carrot Post exclusive interview with Felicity Lloyd-Knight revealed that her event horse, Mister Pickles, is currently enjoying:

• Daily massages from a therapist called Sven,

• A custom air mattress in his stable,

• And a breakfast that costs more per portion than Felicity’s rent.

“If this is abuse,” Felicity sniffed, “then I want to come back as Mister Pickles in my next life.”

GEF President Alejandro Ferreira also entered the fray with an uncharacteristically blunt remark: “We acknowledge the critics, but equestrian sport is not a public zoo. We are professionals, and our horses are athletes—not hostages.”

What the public forgets is this: no one has to ride horses. It’s not like joining a gym. It’s brutally expensive, physically exhausting, emotionally battering, and quite often leads to being kicked in the head by something you just spent your life savings on.

So why do it? Because we’re in love with it. And more importantly, because the horses—those over-pampered, opinionated, biscuit-demanding beasts—still choose to play the game with us. (Unless it's raining, in which case, good luck.)

Coming up next in the series: the media fights back. What happens when even the Germans have had enough of their Facebook comment sections?

Ready for Part Three?