EQUESTRIAN FEDERATION HIRES 500 PR EXPERTS TO MANAGE "HORSE WELFARE"

LAUSANNE.

In a groundbreaking realignment, the Global Equestrian Federation (GEF) has announced the largest animal welfare offensive in its history. To proactively and sustainably ensure the well-being of its four-legged athletes, the federation has, with immediate effect, hired a task force of 500 highly qualified PR managers and crisis communicators. Conversely, veterinarians with a focus on animal welfare have been cut from the budget, classified as "structurally inefficient."

"A horse only suffers when it’s trending"

"We must completely redefine the term 'horse welfare' for the 21st century," explained GEF Vice President of Image Optimization, Chantal Fontanell, during the launch of the new campaign, #HorsePureHarmony.

"Science clearly shows: A horse does not suffer because of tight reins or hard spurs. A horse suffers when the corresponding video generates 10 million clicks on TikTok and is commented on by activists. That is the true stressor for the creature. By stopping viral spread, we eliminate suffering at the root."

The newly created department of "Linguistic Veterinary Medicine" has issued its first official mandate: a binding glossary for judges, riders, and commentators.

The goal is to replace outdated, negatively charged terms with "empathically optimized formulations":

• Rollkur (Hyperflexion): Henceforth referred to as "Active Cervical-Nuchal Compression to promote inner reflection."

• Blue Tongue: Renamed to "Oxygen-efficient oral pigmentation."

• Spur Marks: Now called "Punctual acupuncture for the stimulation of forward impulsion."

• Flash Noseband: Recorded in protocols as a "Mandibular stabilizer for aesthetic symmetry."

  
  

The "War Room" at the warm-up arena

The majority of the 500 PR experts work in the so-called "War Room" located directly at the competition grounds. Their task is "context framing." As soon as an unflattering photo - such as one showing a blue tongue - appears online, the experts flood the comment sections and release pre-written press statements. These explain that it is not a lack of oxygen, but rather that the horse had simply received "an innovative, flavor-intense blue mint treat for mental calming," and that said treat had unfortunately tinted the tongue blue.

"This saves us enormous costs," beams Fontanell.

Ban on "Pain Narratives"

The federation firmly rejects criticism from actual animal welfare activists.

"Anyone claiming a horse is in pain is engaging in inadmissible anthropomorphism," the federation's concluding statement reads. "Horses are prey animals - if they were in pain, they would run away. Since they remain in the jumping arena or the dressage ring and complete their lessons or the course, the scientific proof is established that they enjoy riding to the fullest."

The federation's stock rose by 14% following the announcement. The horses were unavailable for comment, as they were, according to the PR department, "currently too busy being grateful."