EQUESTRIAN JOB OPPORTUNITY: Performance Optimizer (m/f/d) Needed for High-End Stable
- 2 hours ago
- 2 min read
Location: Discretion Required
Position: Full-time, 24/7 On-Site Presence
Are you a rider who knows the difference between being a „horse whisperer“ and a „results-oriented service provider“?
Are you tired of having to justify to owners why a horse looks „a bit marked“ after training?
If so, you are exactly who we are looking for at THE EQUINE FOUNDRY.
For our high-performance facility, we are seeking an experienced Correction Professional with high tolerance for executing the necessary (painful) training methods and zero emotional connection to the subject (horse) who not only understands our „3-out-of-10 Principle“ (only 3 out of 10 horses survive the selection process in the first 2 months) but is ready to execute it to perfection.
Your Profile:
„Rapid Correction“ Expertise: You are a master of utilizing training aids of any kind to force even „character-driven“ (read: stubborn) horses into the desired „functional posture“ in record time.
Selection-First Mindset: We are looking for someone with an exceptionally low emotional attachment rate. We pride ourselves on our stats: After six months, fewer than 20% of our horses are still capable of lifting their heads independently - to us, this is the gold standard for „successfully stabilized performance readiness.“
Emotional Immunity: You do not call the vet or the animal welfare authorities just because of a „lame gait.“ You understand that „lameness“ is often just a matter of perspective and can usually be ignored with the right dose of „motivation.“
What We Offer:
Discretion as Corporate Philosophy: Our facility is a safe space for results and generating money, not public debate. Please note that our security cameras are for decorative purposes only. Smartphones and cameras are banned in all our facilities. No videoing or photos allowed.
Zero Administrative Burden: We do not keep records on „well-being.“ We keep records on tournament rankings and how many investors you can convince to buy objects (horses) for us.
High-End Equipment: From specialized spurs to „correction whips“ - we provide everything necessary to eliminate resistance efficiently.
What We Expect:
Absolute silence. We are not looking for someone who spends their evenings on social media babbling about „training impressions.“ If you cannot master the „Code of Silence,“ you are not qualified for this position.
Interested? If you are ready to join our „Elite Forge“ and help us eliminate the last remnants of „individual will“ from our projects, we look forward to hearing from you.
IMPORTANT: Applications must be submitted exclusively via carrier pigeon to the stable owner directly. We do not want to leave any digital footprints that could be analyzed by „woke riders“ or algorithms. Anyone who sends an email has already failed the test.
The Equine Foundry
„Precision, Performance, Perfection.“
We produce champions. We cull the rest.
Still not convinced? If you are outraged by our recruitment standards, you are likely part of the 'woke rider' demographic we strictly exclude. If you are, however, nodding along in agreement, please consider this a test of your professional commitment.
Disclaimer: A satirical piece exploring the extremities of modern equestrian performance culture.
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