Finally Species-Appropriate: Earplugs for Horses in the Grand Prix Freestyle?

Lausanne (Special Report) – Modernity is finally breaking into traditional dressage! Who wants to watch refined equestrian art when you can have the adrenaline rush of a techno festival instead? With its latest draft for the Article 434.5 Saddlery Reform, the International Equestrian Sport has initiated the evolutionary pinnacle of horse show sports: a possible official earplug approval but only for the Grand Prix Freestyle.

Until now, it was a real safety hazard at Grand Prix Freestyles when the audience clapped rhythmically during the final piaffe steps, or when the arena sound system sounded once again like a hungover rave set at a techno festival. The poor horse might get scared and ruin the experience!

Yet, instead of adjusting the volume to suit the sensitive ears of the flight animal, the sport is taking the only logical route of modern entertainment: the horse is simply acoustically shut down.

In the Freestyle to Music, earplugs will likely be permitted in the future. After all, nobody wants to jeopardize the prime-time ratings of the evening show with obviously stressed or even panic-stricken, rigid animals. Dressage no longer seems to be an elitist sport, but a colorful party show to entertain the people who say dressage is boring  - and the party accessory known as the horse is expected to function accordingly.

The Guide for the Modern Techno-Rider:

• The Training: Instead of tedious movements, the focus will henceforth be on the DJ surcharge. Anyone who cannot groove sovereignly to heavy bass under the saddle will receive deductions in the artistic score ("Lack of festival vibe").

• The Equipment Check at the Door: After the freestyle, the steward will shine a flashlight into the horse's ear. Anyone caught riding into the techno freestyle secretly without earplugs will be immediately eliminated for "intentional endangerment of the audience through the horse's startled twitching and ruining the party atmosphere."

  
  

The Good News at the End: The equestrian sport has proven to have a big heart for riders and is reportedly already planning the next reform. For horse welfare of course.