🎩 “I Am Not a Joke, I Am a Horse”

By Sir Reginald of Haynetown - Champion eventer, reluctant fashion icon, long-suffering victim of novelty ear bonnets

It was a crisp morning in April. The birds were singing. My hooves had been polished within an inch of their lives. I felt powerful. Regal. The kind of horse that should be photographed atop a misty hill while a string quartet plays.

Then she put it on me.

The ear bonnet. But not just any ear bonnet. No. This one had pom-poms. It had sequins. It had the words “Hot to Trot” stitched in rhinestones. On my forehead.

Let me be clear: I am an elite, three-phase athlete. I clear 1.20m on a bad day. I have my own electrolytes and a fan base in Germany. I do not need to wear something that looks like it was designed by a sleep-deprived child at pony camp.

The Offenders

• 🧵 The Unicorn Horn Add-On WHY?? What part of my bloodline says “fairy tale”? I am

  half-thoroughbred, for crying out loud.

• 🎀 The Tassels. If I wanted to feel bugs on my face all day, I’d just hang out near the muck heap.

• ✨ Slogans. “Too Hot to Trot.” “Spicy Mare Energy.” “Hunk with Hooves.” These are not motivational. These are grounds for rebellion.

• 🐱‍👓 Character Ears. I wore cat ears once. Once. The farrier hasn’t looked me in the eye since.
  

Commentary from the Stable:

• Kate Robinson’s cob, Trevor: “I wore a bonnet with Union Jacks once. Got called a 'fancy lad' for weeks.”

• Biscuit the Pony: “I had glitter ears last weekend. I started head-shaking out of protest. Ended up with a vet visit and a note in my Pony Club file.”

• Bruce Callaghan (coach): “If you put that ridiculous bonnet on him again, I’ll make you wear it to the pub.”
  

Reginald's Final Thoughts: If you must put something on my head, let it be plain, dignified, and entirely without tassels. I am a professional. I carry your dreams on my back. The least you can do is not accessorise me like a novelty cushion.

Pom-poms belong on cheerleaders, not champions.