“Leaked: The Secret Group Chats of Equestrianism”

Compiled by Tilly Stirrup, who is in none of them, and absolutely fine about it

It was only a matter of time before someone spilled the oats. Through a mixture of investigative journalism, misplaced screenshots, and one anonymous pony club mum who “accidentally” CC’d the wrong committee, The Carrot Post has gained exclusive access to the most elite, closely-guarded digital cliques in horse sport.

Behold: the hidden group chats that really run the equestrian world.

1. “Dressage Queens Supreme (DQ-Supreme)” Membership: 11 Grand Prix riders, one confused amateur with excellent taste in saddle pads. Latest activity:

• “Anyone else think that judge at C was having a spiritual crisis?”

• “Reminder: Never use turquoise bandages before regionals. It’s social suicide.”

• Helga Müller left the chat.

• Helga Müller added herself back with the message: “I needed a moment.”

  
  

2. “Eventers Who Cry in the Lorry” Membership: Too many.

Pinned message: “Why do we do this to ourselves?” Poll: “Should we buy matching socks to feel like we’re in control of our lives?” Vote results: Yes – 78%. Quote of the week: “He ran out at the same fence again. I’m blaming the moon.”

3. “Jumpers Anonymous” Membership: International showjumpers who all deny reading the comments section. Ongoing argument: “Are air jackets making us look fat or just poor?” Photo shared: Rider covered in make-up, holding a trophy. Caption: “Still single.” Alejandro Ferreira reacted with a thumbs up and a wine emoji.

4. “Yard Gossip International” Membership: Literally every working pupil with a half-charged phone. Highlights:

• “Did you hear whose mare ‘accidentally’ ended up in the stallion paddock?”

• “New livery says she’s ‘not into drama’. Should we tell her or let it unfold naturally?”

• Live countdown to when Sandra forgets to lock the gate again.

  
  

5. “The GEF Inner Circle (Do Not Leak)” Membership: Alejandro, a few board members, and that one social media intern who knows too much. Topics discussed:

• “Crisis plan if someone mentions welfare at the next press conference.”

• “Do we have to read the new science report, or can we just skim the abstract?”

• “We should start our own podcast. Thoughts?” Dr. Leila Al-Farsi replied: “You should start listening instead.”

  
  

Closing Thoughts The real competition? It's not in the arena. It's staying in these chats without being muted, removed, or "accidentally left on read."

Because in the equestrian world, it’s not what you know—it’s who you’re in a group chat with, darling.