Overheard at the Yard

Tiny snippets from the frontlines of equestrian civilisation. - By Tilly Stirrup

Because no Netflix drama can compete with five horse women, one feed room, and a shared hosepipe.

“He’s not naughty. He’s just incredibly emotionally intelligent.” No, he is just poorly educated.

“She says he’s barefoot for welfare reasons.” The farrier says it’s because she still owes him £240.

“The horse has ulcers, kissing spines, hormone imbalance, magnesium deficiency and trauma.” And yet, you keep competing on him.

“He only bucks because he’s sensitive.” Not cos your saddle needs checking then?

“My horse only eats low-sugar, grain-free, ethically sourced forage.” Strange how horses survived 1000s of years before all these were invented.

“He’s a very expensive warmblood.” Yes, but unfortunately he’s also a moron.

“I don’t believe in gadgets.” Horse arrives wearing enough straps to dock a small yacht.

“He’s actually very easy once you understand him.” Nobody understands him, Brigitte. Not even veterinary science.

“The saddle fitter says the saddle is fine. The physio says it isn’t.” Is your saddle fitter a real fitter or just a sales rep from a 'repuitable' saddle company?

“I’m simplifying things this year.” Immediately purchases seventeen supplements and an anatomical headpiece designed by NASA.

“He’s never usually like this.” Horse instantly demonstrates that this is exactly what he is usually like.

“She says she follows natural horsemanship.” I watched that horse drag her through a hedge and narrowly miss being hit by a passing motorist last Wednesday.

“I only wanted a quiet hack.” Returns three hours later emotionally destroyed and covered in mud.

“He’s retired now.” Horse immediately develops the fitness levels and enthusiasm of an Olympic athlete.

“I’m trying to spend less money on horses this year.” Orders imported gastric support powder from Belgium at 1:14am.

“He just needs confidence.” No Susan. He needs educating and real experience.

“The horse community is so supportive.”Entire yard watches trailer reversing in complete silence and then congregates in the tack room to discuss it.

“I think he’s picking up on my anxiety.” You are correct, Amanda, the horse was completely calm until you arrived.

“He’s incredibly advanced.” Yet you can't leave him tied up for more than a second because he pulls back....

“I’ve done loads of groundwork with him.” Marvellous. Shame none of it involved manners.

“He’s a dominant personality.” No, he is a Shitland pony, Julie

“He doesn’t like being told what to do.” Neither do most toddlers, yet we expect them to behave.