Scandal at German stallion show. Spectators in shock.

​MARBACH/Germany – Dramatic scenes unfolded at this year’s stallion show at the German State Stud Marbach. Dressage stallions caused utter consternation among visiting “experts” when they entered the arena and - shockingly - used all their four legs in a natural rhythm. There was no trace of spectacular “lamp-stepping” or acrobatic mouth and tongue choreography.

​Experts are puzzled: Is this still a sport, or is it already a refusal to perform?

​The audience sensed trouble the moment the stallions entered. The stallions actually moved through all three basic gaits without looking like Duracell bunnies on speed.

“An absolute scandal for modern breeding,” ranted a German expert, Baron von Riegel-Halt, draped in a floor-length fur coat and polishing his monocle in disbelief. “If the horse doesn’t kick around at least as much as a beetle flipped on its back, how am I supposed to know it has quality? I see muscles moving here - I want to see marble slabs vibrating under high voltage! How am I supposed to choose a stallion for my mare? I wanted to choose the one who kicks his front legs the highest. One expects these spectacular histrionics to be passed directly to the progeny via the pedigree!"

​“Where’s the Wow-Factor?”

​The trot work was viewed with particular suspicion. Instead of the expected “frenetic flailing”- where the front legs ideally touch the horse’s own ears - the stallions showed a fluid movement from back to front.

​“I traveled all this way specifically to see artificial tension,” complained one visitor in the front row, angrily crumpling his program. “What am I supposed to admire here? The horse is just... rhythmic. He’s not even lifting his legs above eye level! Who on earth is supposed to pay for a ticket for something boring like that?”

​Experts Demand Refunds

​The Baron, visibly scarred by the display of harmony, immediately demanded a refund for his travel expenses:

“Where are we headed if we start presenting (young) horses according to their (age-)appropriate level of training? This is bad for business! If I wanted to see harmony, I’d go to watch the bitless world championships. Here, I expect maximum mechanics with minimum risk of relaxation. One horse actually exhaled - a clear violation of the modern arena’s code of conduct!”

​Whether this "relaxed (age-)appropriate riding in normality" trend will establish itself permanently remains to be seen. The first spectators were already spotted accidentally exhaling deeply at the sight of the relaxed horses and not holding their breath because of all the show and there was no frenetically out of rhythm clapping - a dangerous trend that could shake the entire industry to its core.

​"We are currently investigating whether 'relaxation' constitutes a hidden form of doping, as it clearly alters the horse's natural state of frantic panic."

— Spokesperson for the 'Union of Equestrian Artificial Tension (UoEAT)'

​Editorial Note:

The editorial board wishes to apologize to all spectators traumatized by the display of harmony and the correct training path. Should this “dangerous” trend from Marbach- this so-called “relaxed age-appropriate riding in normality” - actually establish itself as the future of the sport, the industry faces a catastrophe: horses might suddenly be content while competing, riders might actually have to learn how to ride again, and the charlatan industry for (corrective) equipment (e.g. auxiliary aids of mass constriction) and an absurd number of very expensive and very unnecessary courses, very wise wonder gurus, etc would face financial ruin.

We advise caution: once you have seen a truly content horse in competition, you might lose your taste for the ‘spectacle’ forever.

Disclaimer: All journalists operated under high tension and lots and lots of black, pure coffee to ensure maximum dramatic expression in this article. We did not relax once, we tried not to exhale too much.