The Feed Room Drama: The Livery Yard Chronicles

By Tilly Stirrup, our resident horse drama enthusiast.

There are many things that define a livery yard: the creaking fences, the whiff of muck, the constant hum of nervous chatter as riders try to figure out whose horse is really going to take that jump today. But the real heart and soul of the livery yard is one thing and one thing only—the feed room.

This is where the drama happens. And not just mild drama, darling. We’re talking about war-level battles, rivalries so fierce you could practically hear the feed bags tearing open in the background. It’s not about pony nuts. It’s not about oats. No, no—it's about survival. It’s about control. And it’s about that one thing every single livery yard has in common: someone will always steal your feed.

1. The Feed Room Spies—The Surveillance State of Horse Nutrition

There are always one or two in the yard whose sole purpose in life seems to be monitoring everyone else's feed. Not just in a casual way, mind you, but in the manner of a CIA agent on a mission. They know exactly when new feed has arrived, when someone last touched the non-standard molasses pellets, and—oh yes—they have a photographic memory for the contents of every feed bag.

Oh, you think you’ve snuck in there with your own stash of carrots and beet pulp? Think again. One quick glance and they’ll catch you in the act, looking at you like you’ve just kicked their dog. It’s borderline obsessive. And they don’t stop at surveillance. No, darling, they’ll report you to the Yard Manager for “improper feed management” if you dare take one extra scoop of their carefully calculated grain. God forbid you should get the last bag of haylage.

Quote from Sarah “Saz” Mitchell (UK):“I swear, I just looked at the bag of oats accidentally, and she already knew. It’s like they have eyes in the back of their heads—and not just for horse health. They’re here to make sure you don’t ever get a free meal. Not even if you’ve just ridden your poor horse into the ground.”

2. The Feed Pilferers—The Criminals Among Us

Oh, and then there’s the real fun bit of the feed room: the thieves. Yes, darling, the feed thieves. They lurk in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, usually when they think no one is looking. And they’re not just snatching a scoop of oats here or a handful of carrots there. No. They go for the good stuff. The sweet, sugary, molasses-rich, premium feed that only the truly elite horse can consume. They don’t even bother to cover their tracks—they leave the bag wide open, like some sort of public declaration: "I took it. I dare you to stop me."

Who does this? You might ask. Well, it’s often the same person who ‘forgets’ to bring their own feed to the yard. Funny that. But don’t expect them to say anything when you raise the issue. Oh no. Instead, they’ll pretend they have no idea what you're talking about, and if you’re really unlucky, they’ll point the finger at someone else. “Oh, I think that person took your stuff,” they’ll say, giving you that too-sweet-to-be-true smile. Nice try.

Quote from Maximilian "Max" Van Dijk (NED):“Look, if you’ve got the guts to steal someone’s feed, just own it. Don’t come to me with that ‘I thought it was mine’ nonsense. I’d respect you more if you’d just say, ‘Yeah, I took it. You got a problem?’ Because I certainly do.”

3. The Feed Room Hoarders—Feed as Power

Then, of course, there are the feed hoarders. These are the people who would make Marie Kondo cry with their obsessive ‘organization’ skills. The feed hoarders don’t just store feed, they control it. They’ve got every bag neatly stacked in color-coded order. Every. Single. Bag. They’re like a feed monarch—and everyone else is just a subject. They’re also the ones who’ll keep all the “good” stuff to themselves, making sure you only get to look at it. When you come in for your all-natural bag of grass pellets, don’t be surprised if you find that it’s been mysteriously ‘replaced’ with a bag of subpar something that will send your horse into a high protein-crazed frenzy.

If you dare try to take a bag from their personal stash? Well, forget it. You’re now an enemy of the state. There’s no coming back. And when you try to confront them? They’ve got the perfect excuse ready. “Oh, I thought I’d be using that for my horse, but it seems to have gotten mixed up with the feed for the other horse. Silly me!” Yeah, right. Silly you indeed.

Quote from László Báthory (HUN):“Honestly, if you think your horse needs another scoop of that designer feed, you’ve got another thing coming. I’ve got my eyes on you. Don’t even think about sneaking into my feed stash, because I’ll know. I always know.”

4. The ‘I-Buy-My-Own’ Brigade—Feed, Not Friends

You know them. The I-Buy-My-Own brigade. They’ve got their feed and their feed only. They strut into the feed room like they own it, with a customized set of bags that you’d swear cost more than your last holiday. These are the people who think their horses deserve only the finest, hand-picked, non-GMO, organic, third-generation oats that were harvested under a full moon in the hills of Scotland. Don’t even think about touching their personal stash. If you dare ask them if you can borrow some sugar beet? Don’t hold your breath.

And don’t even suggest that maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason for the massive bags of supplements littering the shelves. “Oh, my horse just thrives on this,” they’ll say, as they add a liberal sprinkle of ‘boosters’ into their horse’s feed like some sort of magic potion. Frankly, it’s a whole new level of arrogance, but no one dares question it. After all, they’ve got their own feed for a reason. You wouldn’t understand.

Quote from Luna Skye (USA):“Oh, please, I’m not just feeding my horse anything from that feed room. My horse only eats from the special ‘Holistic Diet’ range, made exclusively for horses who practice mindful grazing. Not sure it’ll work for your average yard pony, darling.”

The Final Word: Who’s Going to Stop the Chaos?

So, what’s the moral of the story, darling? The feed room is a war zone. It’s a battleground where only the cleverest, most ruthless, and most well-fed survive. From feed pilferers to hoarders, spies, and alchemists, everyone’s out for themselves—and their horses are, of course, none the wiser. At the end of the day, it’s all about the control of the feed. So, here’s to the next round of Feed Room Drama. And may the best horse—who isn’t starving—win.