The "Welfare-First" Competitions No One Wants to Enter

Equestrian sport is finally putting welfare first! Well, in theory. Several federations have introduced strict new “welfare-first” competitions, ensuring horses aren’t just competing but thriving—except no one actually wants to enter them.

The Global Equestrian Federation (GEF), eager to prove its commitment to horse welfare (and avoid bad press), commissioned a task force to create ground-breaking rules. Among them: mandatory meditation before mounting, penalties for using a saddle that isn’t emotionally enriching, and dressage tests featuring a “mindfulness halt” where horse and rider synchronize their breathing. Show jumpers now face random “hoof fatigue” assessments mid-course, while endurance riders must prove their horse wants to continue—preferably via a psychic reading.

“We’re revolutionizing the sport,” declared Dr. Leila Al-Farsi, CEO of the World Equestrian Welfare Organisation (WEWO). “If that means fewer competitors, so be it. True horsemen will embrace this.”

Unfortunately, the “true horsemen” appear to be busy elsewhere. A test dressage show adopting the new rules saw exactly one entry—Luna Skye, the barefoot, bitless, treeless guru, later eliminated for riding bridle-less and calling one of the judges a “corporate shill.”

Top riders are steering clear. Showjumper Maximilian Van Dijk scoffed, “I don’t need a competition where they weigh my horse’s emotional stability before letting me enter. He cost half a million euros—he’s fine.”

Eventer Felicity Lloyd-Knight was equally blunt. “I love my horse, but if I have to stop mid-cross-country to discuss his feelings about the water jump, we’re never making the time.”

As entries plummet, organizers remain optimistic. “If riders don’t want to adapt, maybe they shouldn’t be riding at all,” insists Dr. Al-Farsi.

Riders, it seems, are happy to take her up on that.