“THIN AS A STICK!”: HOBBY HORSE WELFARE UNDER FIRE

“It’s not a toy. It’s an athlete. Or at least it would be, if someone fed it.”

In a scandal that’s shaking the foundations of the hobby horsing world, welfare advocates are calling out what they describe as “a silent crisis on a wooden scale.” The victims? Hobby horses — the felt-faced, googly-eyed steeds carried between the legs of children, teens, and suspiciously enthusiastic adults.

Weighing in at 1 kilogram, these ‘athletes’ are reportedly neglected, overworked, and underfed — according to reports no one requested, but we compiled anyway.

“I checked the BCS — Body Condition Stick — and it was below zero,” said a concerned hobby horse parent.

Standing Stalls Return: And They’re Worse Than Ever

While real horses were freed from standing stalls years ago, hobby horses are now routinely stored vertically — leaned against walls, shoved in lockers, or hung from coat hooks by their reins like…coats. Deeper investigations revealed a complete lack of enrichment. No turnout paddocks, no friends, not even a stuffed support animal to chew on. Sometimes there are also two hobby horses cramped in one stand.

“I’ve never seen something more sad,” said Maria H., an activist from the group "Safe the Hobby Horses". “One mare was stored next to a radiator for the winter. One of her ears melted. I cried.”

It’s cruel,” said an anonymous whistleblower, stroking the yarn mane of a rescued chestnut gelding, Mr. Woody. “Mr. Woody hasn’t moved in three weeks and he is very stiff. His eyes have no expression at all. When he did get some time outside, it was only because someone galloped him in a sports hall. Poor horse. No sun, no light, no fresh air. The main issue is that this is a sport with zero scientific research on the wooden sport partner. Even more concerning, the only available study identifies water as the number one environmental hazard for these athletes. Prolonged exposure can lead to swelling, splintering, or — in extreme cases — total structural sogginess. According to researchers, ‘moisture is the silent enemy of the hobby horse.’”

Fashion over Function: The Tack Crisis

Many of these ‘horses’ sport rhinestone-studded browbands on their bridle — a choice that raises both eyebrows and ergonomic concerns. “It’s not comfortable,” says Maria H. from Safe the Hobby Horses. “ I decided to test the comfort myself by wearing a bridle with a browband. A headache immediately followed, along with several very confused stares in the public and at the grocery store.” Without proper training, even specially designed bits can be harsh for the wooden co-athlete, especially when the riders yank on them. This raises a crucial welfare question: with bitless options available, why do so many Hobby Horse riders insist on using a double bridle or other bits on Hobby Horses at all?

The Riders Respond (Badly)

When pressed about all the concerns, hobby horse riders responded with a mixture of confusion and no concern.

“It’s just a stick with a head,” said one teenager, mid-jump over a pile of laundry.

“His name is Galaxy Storm Thunderhoof and he’s a champion!” said another.

Neither answered when asked when Galaxy had his last meal.

Experts Speak Out

“Just because they’re made of foam and dreams doesn’t mean they don’t deserve dignity and a minimum of welfare” said Prof. Dr. Dr. Dr. Martina Clipclop, leading equine ethologist (retired) during a Hobby Horse show. “A 1kg wooden athlete has rights. Or at least feelings. Probably. Look, I’m mostly here for the snacks. Let's get some champagne and some snacks."

Conclusion: A Call to Action

As the world of hobby horsing gallops toward mainstream recognition, one question remains: who will speak for the stick-horses? Until we have answers, we suggest the following:

• Turnout time (even if it’s just in the garden or the balcony. Fresh air is essential).

• Grain buckets (filled with marbles? Buttons? Anyway. Something nutritious).

• Emotional support (including ears and eyes re-attachments).