Trailer Parking: How to Lose Friends and Alienate Everyone

Ah, trailer parking. The true test of one’s character, patience, and ability to piss off everyone within a five-mile radius. It’s not enough that we’ve spent the entire day stressing over our horses, our outfits, and making sure our tack isn’t literally falling apart—no, darling, the real challenge lies in navigating the ever-complicated, soul-crushing world of trailer parking.

In the land of perfectly manicured arenas, glitzy trophies, and riders pretending to be anything less than professionally exhausted, trailer parking is where the true personalities come out. Forget about who wins the Grand Prix—what’s really important is whether or not you’ve made life impossible for everyone else just trying to park without screaming.

1. The “I’m Just Going to Park Here for One Second” Philosopher

Ah yes, we all know this one. The person who arrives and parks in the middle of the only accessible aisle, looking around with that smug grin like they’re doing everyone a favour. You see, they’re not just parking their trailer—they’re performing a deeply philosophical act of self-expression. They believe that blocking every exit and entrance to the lot is actually a form of art, and it’s only your lack of cultural understanding that makes you angry.

“Oh, I’ll just be a second,” they say. Just a second. But somehow, their "one second" stretches into an entire eon while everyone else is stuck, pacing around their rig like it’s an impenetrable fortress.

It’s cute how they genuinely think they’re not ruining everyone’s day. And by cute, I mean infuriating.

2. The “I Own the Whole Parking Lot” Mega-Lord

Let’s move on to the absolute rulers of the parking lot. You know the type. They arrive two hours early (as if showing up early means they’re better than you), and, with all the grace of a

warlord claiming victory, they park their trailer smack in the middle of two prime spaces—just because they can.

They’ll wave their hand dismissively and say something like, “Oh, darling, I’m just trying to save this spot for my horse, who is obviously the most important thing here. You understand, don’t you?”

Translation: "I’ve made sure that no one else can park anywhere near me, and that’s how I like it. It’s a lifestyle choice."

Meanwhile, you're parked 10 miles away, wondering how they managed to convince the universe that they deserve a personal parking space at the epicentre of the venue.

3. The “I’ll Just Leave My Horse Here Unattended for the Next Two Hours” Genius

This is a special breed of person. The ones who are so blissfully unaware of how selfish they are, they leave their horse in the trailer for hours while they go off to have coffee, chat, and maybe even join a Pilates class for good measure. “What’s the problem?” they’ll ask when you point out that their horse has been in there long enough to develop an existential crisis. “He’s fine. He likes it. Look, he’s eating. Don’t be dramatic.”

Yes, let’s just leave the poor thing in there like some sort of deluxe, mobile stable while we go indulge in our third overpriced cappuccino of the day. No big deal. Everyone else can just squeeze past, holding their breath and pretending this level of utter ignorance is completely normal.

4. The “I Can Park Like This Because I’m Clearly A Parking God” Expert

Now, we arrive at the most confusing and contradictory breed of trailer parker: The "I Nailed It" parker. You know the one. They park so perfectly, you almost applaud them—but then you realize they’ve made sure no one else can park anywhere around them.

“Look how symmetrical my rig is!” they’ll say. “It’s almost like I’m an artist, but with more wheels and fewer brush strokes.” They are the Da Vinci of parking, the Michelangelo of making everyone else’s lives harder. And, of course, they’re oblivious to the fact that their idea of “perfect parking” means that no one can get into the row unless they’ve got the agility of a Cirque du Soleil performer.

Nice try, buddy. You’ve nailed it. Literally. You’ve parked like a self-obsessed genius who thought they were giving a masterclass in precision, but what you’ve really done is created a parking nightmare that will haunt us all until the next competition.

5. The “I Can’t Reverse, So I’ll Just Park Like I’m Playing Tetris” Disaster

And finally, the ones who cannot reverse to save their lives and insist on parking their rig in a way that suggests they’re playing a very dangerous game of Tetris. You know what I’m talking about—when they pull into the first spot they see, and then proceed to “casually” block every possible escape route.

You’ll walk past and see their trailer at a 45-degree angle, half on the curb, and wonder if they’ve just invented a new kind of parking, one that completely disregards the laws of physics.

It’s fine. Everything is fine. They’ll get out eventually, maybe. In the meantime, everyone else will attempt to park, inching their way around this human wrecking ball of parking. “Oh, don’t worry,” they’ll say when you politely ask, “I just didn’t want to reverse. It’s too hard.” Yeah, we get it. But now we’re all stuck because you couldn’t be bothered.

6. The “I Can’t Reverse, So I’ll Just Get My Husband to Do It” Savvy Queen

Ah, the classic move. This character has perfected the art of avoiding trailer reversing by delegating the task to their long-suffering husband. While the rest of us are attempting to navigate the rear-view mirror like a trained professional, this one simply bats her lashes and sighs dramatically. “Oh, darling, I just can’t do it. I never could! Would you mind reversing the trailer for me?”

Of course, he doesn’t mind—he’s contractually obligated to help because somehow, in this charming little scenario, it’s always his fault when things go awry. “Oh, don’t worry about me, love. I’m only your husband—I can handle it. I’ll just park it while you go grab your cup of tea and check on the ponies. I’ve got this!”

Meanwhile, the poor man is reversing, clutching the wheel like it’s a lifeline, while the crowd of other competitors silently judges him, wondering if he’s about to get himself stuck between two trailers. She’ll wave from the side-lines, a big smile on her face, as if she’s just orchestrated the perfect, smooth manoeuvre.

“See?” she’ll chirp when he finally finishes his task with a sigh, “I knew you could do it! You’re so good at it, darling. You’ve really got a knack for it!” Meanwhile, her husband is considering whether or not he might just fake an injury next time to avoid the inevitable trailer reversal challenge.

7. The “Lorry for the Win: Because a Trailer is Just Too Basic” Equestrian Elite

Now, here’s a character that rolls into the yard like they’ve just stepped off a private jet. The lorry driver is not here for your petty little trailers and 4x4s. No, no, darling, they have levelled up. For them, it's not enough to simply have a trailer that fits the horse. They need a luxury mobile home that says, “I’m here to compete, but I’ll also be comfortable while doing it.”

In their world, trailers are for those less serious equestrians—peasants who don’t know that a comfy leather chair, a fully stocked mini fridge, and a microwave are essential to their performance. After all, how can one expect to jump with style when one’s horse is traipsing around in the back of a little tin can, crammed next to a hay net and a pile of tack?

You’ll catch them pulling into the parking lot, their lorry gleaming in the sun, as they glide out in their perfectly pressed riding gear, the air of someone who never gets their hands dirty. “Oh, I can’t even imagine having to reverse a trailer,” they’ll say, flipping their hair like they’re on the cover of Horse and Hound. “I just don’t have the time for such things. I leave that to the common folk.”

But don’t worry—while the rest of us mortals are sweating bullets trying to park our humble trailers, they’re sitting in their plush driver’s seat, sipping a matcha latte, scrolling through their Instagram stories, and occasionally glancing at the rear-view mirror just to check that the horse is still in there. (If only the horse could see their luxurious digs—oh, the shame of it all!)

Meanwhile, the rest of us are now 15 minutes late for our class because we got stuck behind their mobile palace, waiting for them to finally park and unload. But, naturally, they’re not bothered—they’ll saunter over with the grace of a show jumper, looking absolutely fabulous, while we’re left still figuring out how to get our gear out of a trailer that was apparently built in 1950.

The Final Word: Trailer Parking: Where Reputations Go to Die

There you have it. The trailer parking hall of shame. The game we all must play, but the rules are constantly changing, and no one ever wins. There’s no prize for getting it right—just the satisfaction of not being universally hated for your complete and utter disregard for the laws of good manners and parking etiquette.

So, next time you pull up to a showground, just remember: you can be the hero or the villain. But either way, someone is going to throw their hands in the air and mutter, “Oh, it’s that person again.”

And frankly, you’ll probably deserve it.