Why 47 Straps in Show Jumping Are the Only True Subtlety

A commentary by our chief correspondent for excessive bridling

​It is an image of classic, almost breathtaking harmony: A noble sport horse enters the warm-up arena of a top-tier show jumping tournament. It glistens in the sun, and its headgear bears a striking resemblance to a cross between a high-efficiency offshore wind turbine and an advanced heavy-steel manufacturing facility.

​Connoisseurs know instantly: A master is at work here. Because anyone who equips their horse with fewer than five bits, 25 straps, and three pairs of reins is essentially committing negligent bodily harm - primarily to their own ego.

​The Myth of the Simple Snaffle

​Time and again, one hears the hopelessly outdated faction of so-called "minimalists" grumbling. "Why on earth are you strapping a second under-snaffle, eight nosebands with an extra flash, a standing martingale, and three curb-chains onto the poor horse?" they ask, entirely heretically.

​The answer is simple, dear critics: Because these top riders ride with a soft hand!

​And that is precisely what outsiders fail to understand. A simple snaffle invites mistakes. If you only have one single pair of reins in your hand, you might actually be tempted to pull too much on the horse, and you would lose control over your animal. With three pairs of reins in your hand, the situation looks entirely different. The impending doom is evenly distributed across your wrists. You no longer have any idea which rein you are currently pulling on—and that is the exact definition of absolute mastery in show jumping. The accumulation of metal inside the horse's mouth (consisting of a curb bit, a snaffle, a double bridle, a Pelham, and an improvised stainless-steel casserole dish) ensures that the horse doesn't even get any funny ideas. And you can always claim you are riding with a soft hand - using whichever rein happens to be slack at that exact microsecond; that hand is definitely soft.

​The Holy Mantras of the Modern Rider

​Whenever concerned animal welfare activists or keyboard warriors bring up the sheer variety of straps, experienced pros immediately switch to autopilot. Here are the four golden phrases that provide bulletproof cover for the rider in any given situation:

• ​"I know my horse best!"

Subtext: If given half a chance, the horse would immediately emancipate itself and gallop off toward the nearest oak grove without a headstall. The 25 straps and 15 bits serve merely to protect the animal from its own incompetence.

• ​"I have a total feather-light hand!"

Subtext: Even though observers can clearly see that you are currently recalibrating the horse's lower jaw thanks to the 50-to-1 mechanical advantage of the leverage shanks, your little finger remains practically motionless. This is biomechanical perfection. And meant exclusively for soft hands. After all, one can concentrate so wonderfully on one's hands during a course. Especially in jump-offs. You are a professional, after all, and you need clear rounds.

• ​"It's all anatomically fitted and orthopedically valuable!"

Subtext: Our stable's leather consumption keeps the local economy running. Without this specialized engineering marvel, the horse would instantly collapse like a poorly glued flat-pack bookcase.

• ​"This is for the rider's safety!"

Subtext: By this, of course, nobody means that the rider might fall off. It refers to the priceless security against the ultimate nightmare: the horse suddenly having an opinion of its own. This high-tech harness guarantees that while the animal is theoretically still breathing, all forms of personal initiative are successfully suppressed.

​The Future

​After all, the industry never sleeps, and if you look around the relevant trade fairs, you quickly realize: Equestrian fashion learned from the BDSM studio long ago. The new collection, 'Fifty Shades of Show Jumping', combines veterinary precision with the hearty stylistic devices of a leather lounge. After all, you want to make a visual statement at the show: Whoever loves their horse, ties it down and straps it up—orthopedically valuable, of course.