Tired of Feeling Guilty? Outsource Your Conscience to Scapegoat Corp

WORLDWIDE. You know the feeling: You’re standing in the paddock after an intense “correction session,” your horse is refusing to make eye contact, and suddenly that nagging, pulling sensation in your chest creeps in - your conscience. It’s a productivity killer. It eats up valuable time that you should be spending on optimizing your sponsor pipeline or studying the start lists.

But that ends today. The newly founded Scapegoat Corp. offers the world’s first “moral, ethics and empathy outsourcing solution,” designed exclusively for the ambitious professional equestrian athlete.

Scapegoat Corp. Bears Your Burden So You Can Shine

The concept of Scapegoat Corp. is as simple as it is brilliant: The company manages everything that has to do with your ethics. For a fixed monthly flat rate, it offloads your guilty conscience into our high-security data vaults. While you are in the saddle making “tough decisions,” the expert team of professional scapegoats handles all the moral concerns you might have previously wasted energy on.

“The rider needs to be free,” says Dr. M. P. Tunn, CEO of Scapegoat Corp. “If you’re thinking about whether the horse is in pain or if your training method is ‘socially acceptable’ during a lesson, you’re losing milliseconds. We provide the mental void required for victory.”

Our Service Portfolio:

• “The Moral Cloud”: The company takes your ethical concerns, archive them, and purge them from your consciousness. You receive a monthly confirmation: “You are ethically flawless today - we have assumed the burden for you.”

• “The Scapegoat Emergency Hotline”: Should you ever feel insecure due to critical comments on social media, call the Scapegoat 24/7 hotline. One of the trained scapegoats will take the blame for you, deny all allegations with the highest level of legal finesse, and ensure you can focus entirely on the next tournament.

• “Ethics Withdrawal”: Upon request, the company will remove your conscience permanently. You will receive a “Full Performance Pass,” which officially exempts you from any and all self-reflection.

  
  

Why the ‘Horse-as-Partner’ Concept Hurts

“Talk of empathy is a luxury only riders who don’t want to win can afford,” says Dr. Tunn. “We view our clients as highly specialized athletes. A Formula 1 driver doesn’t think about carbon emissions when drifting through a corner. Why should you think about the well-being of your piece of sports equipment when the next big prize money is on the line?”

Become Morally Free Now!

Join Scapegoat Corp. today and become part of an exclusive community that is no longer held back by pesky feelings. The clients report a “new sense of lightness.” One top rider raves:

“Ever since I handed my conscience over to Scapegoat Corp., I ride like a robot. My obedience scores have increased by 20%!”

Scapegoat Corp.: We assume your moral responsibility - so you can focus on winning.

Note: Scapegoat Corp. assumes no liability for the horse. According to our Terms and Conditions, the well-being of the horse is “a purely subjective construct that does not fall within the scope of services.”